Cocktails for the Coming Chaos

Drink your way to 2025

With New Year’s Eve ushering in 2025, here are a few suggestions for cocktails to fit your mood.*

Harris-Walz Banger

Crush ice with the fury of democracy denied. Fill glass with Big Orange Guy Juice. Add a shot of Putinesque vodka, fortified by years of ruthless power. Top with a golden shower of Guliano, the sweet liqueur that should be kept behind bars.

Dark and Stormy Daniels

Blend one former stripper and one horny billionaire with dark rum and ginger beer. Stir in hushed secrets. Add heat. When finished, cut a check for $130,000. Give check to stripper to keep her mouth shut. If she talks, deny, deny, deny. If convicted, cry “witchhunt!”

Old Fashioned

Toss cherry and Big Orange peel in glass. Add dash of bitters, now more bitter than ever. Season with quaint, old-fashioned values, including a teaspoon of truth, a cup of credibility, and a dollop of decency. Top with a shot of zero-proof bourbon distilled in some deep red state. Stir, smash, and swig until you can gracefully surrender those quaint, old-fashioned values — especially decency — and move on.

Badass Women Margaritas

Blend four ounces of Big Orange Guy liqueur with four ounces limousine lime juice and way too much tequila. Stir with the determination of Susan B. Anthony and the fire of Ida B. Wells. Salt glass while picturing yourself salting the wounds of the patriarchy. Fill each glass half full of icy desire. Pour margarita, and toast to the power of sisterhood!

Screw "Orange One" Driver

This one is simple. Cut a photo of the Big Orange One from a newspaper. Place photo face up on the bar. Douse with Rock the Vote Vodka. Garnish with sliced orange and a truth twist.

Damn it All Daiquiri

Throw any hooch you choose down a deep rathole. Add tonic and splash of bitters as bitter as your activist friends these days. Toss in all remaining hope. Sip, drink, guzzle, then dump the rest down the sink because what the hell. . .

Stop the Madness Martini

Ready to get your shake on? Here’s a full 007 version of a martini fit for fighting bad guys. Fill cocktail shaker with ice. Add vodka or gin, olive brine as sour as November 5, and vermouth as dry as a vice-presidential debate. Put lid on your shaker and shake, shake, shake off all the yuck you’ll be feeling come January 20. Then shake some more. Serve daily for the next four years.

Moscow Ass

Pour every last bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet straight down the toilet. For the next four years, let nothing Russian pass your lips. Smile and pray for Ukraine.

*WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that consumption of alcoholic beverages can damage your health. And so can MAGA.